Warning: this is a classified document found on a private Discord server. Read at your own risk.
Washington, May 23, 2023
Transcript of Debt Crisis Meeting
Attendees: President Joe Biden and House Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
JOE BIDEN: Hello, Kevin, come on in, great to see you again. And, oh yeah, thanks for amping up the crisis last week. You got me out of that trip to papa-somewhere. I was really getting tired of sleeping in those little beds in Japan.
KEVIN MCCARTHY: You’re welcome, Mr President, and thank you and your team for that Yellen comment, “catastrophic”, wow, great word, she really got some attention with that!
JB: Ah, yeah, Janet is a real winner! That Jewish grandmother image, how can you not like her! Could have gone with someone younger, of course, but I really wasn’t sure I could trust Powell around a young, cute Secretary. Ha ha, get it, a secretary!
KM: Ha ha ha! Oh that is so good. I can’t wait to tell some of my people!
JB: So, what can I do for you, Kevin? Have we solved the “debt crisis” yet? Ha ha ha!
KM: Ha ha, just let me stop laughing, Mr President, ha ha ha. Ok, here is what we want to propose to you, Mr President. We stop talking about your age problem and you take care of our Trump problem. What do you think?
JB: Well, hmmm, I like that, I think that could work, but could you include Hunter in that deal, please. You have kids, right, Kevin, well, just a piece of advice, don’t involve your kids in your business, know what I mean? How hard is it to move a few mil around, right, and he went to law school! Anyway, could we take Hunter off the table?
KM: I think I can throw that in, Mr President, yes, I’m sure that will work. Now, as you know, on our side, we need Trump out of the pic, preferrably in a courtroom, if possible, you know what I mean? We hate him, of course, doesn’t everybody, but we have to make it look like we love him. If you could help us with our Trump problem, it would be great.
JB: Oh, no problemo, Kevin, what a yahoo! Not the search engine! Ha ha ha!
KM: Ha ha! Good one, Mr President.
JB: You know, Kevin, on this age thing, both Hilary and Barack have said something along the lines that it’s a valid issue. Can you believe those two traitors? I can’t tell you what an arrogant buffoon Barack is and, Hilary, well, I think they may be true, the rumors, I mean.
KM: You mean about her being … a lesbian?
JB: No, about her being a witch! Ha ha ha!
KM: Ha ha ha, that’s too good, Mr President, wow, so she really is a witch! Ha ha ha! Seriously though, I feel for you, Mr President, I really do. But, hey, as far as the Bill problem is concerned, at least Epstein is gone, right? And I really want to thank you again for that. I can’t tell you how many calls I’m getting, people are so relieved. And I always point the credit to you.
JB: Ah, thanks, Kevin, always ready to help my friends. And maybe they could throw a few bucks at us? I’d appreciate it. I mean, he only did business with billionaires, right? Anyway, see what you can do, anything would help.
KM: Sure thing, Mr President. Now, about Trump …
JB: Oh, don’t you worry, Kevin, we’ve got the whole thing planned. We’ve got so many subpoenas on hold it’ll be a work of art. He won’t have a free day, not a free hour! Just give us the nod when you want them to go out. And, the beautiful thing is, gag orders! He won’t be able to say a thing. I’m so proud of my team!
KM: I can’t tell you how much our guys are going to appreciate that, Mr President.
JB: And, Kevin, it will be … good for the country! Ha ha ha!
KM: Ha ha ha, good for the country, that’s too funny. Good for the country! You really do have a great sense of humor!
JB: Now, I have a notebook here, ah, here it is, the debt crisis thing. So the staffers have put together a compromise. Look how thick this notebook is, Kevin. The staffers must have worked all night! But they tell me that we both come out looking like statesmen! Statesman, I love it!
KM: Yes, Mr President, that looks good, I asked for at least 500 pages and it looks like our teams came through. As long as it’s too confusing for anyone to understand, that’s the key. Then everything should be great. Statesmen, I like the sound of that too! Ha ha ha.
JB: Well, Kevin, should we go out and talk to the press? I think we’ve had a “productive” meeting! Ha ha ha! “Productive”, another great word!
KM: Ha ha ha! But, Mr President, just one more request.
JB: Anything, Kevin.
KM: Please don’t make me say that word in front of the press! I’ll break down laughing! Ha ha ha!
JB: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!